CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
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At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
Me sliding into hell like
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
“TGIM!” – My liver
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
Are you bored? Try something new! Draw a picture! Write a story! Strip naked, paint yourself green, and hide in a zucchini patch!
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions