Phonetics
You Might Also Like
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
*ernest hemingway voice*
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.