Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
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If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?