My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
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[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
felt that
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.