“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
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“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.