[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
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The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
Me trying to reach for my goals
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?