Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
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Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
Basically.
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?