Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
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[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!