Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
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Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.