Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
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My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!