Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
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When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
Stop making fast and furious movies.
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water