You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
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Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much