Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
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So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.