Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
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[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
Me, in DM rooms…
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty