*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
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People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
Ever have an itch you just can’t seem to scratch? That’s a past life itch…probably cuz you were a donkey
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
pizza
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
Namaste
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?