Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
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They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
Can’t. Being lazy.
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?