My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
You Might Also Like
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
lol
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
me after eating Cheetos
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.