Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
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When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.