None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
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Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
The legends speak of a third Duran…
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.