If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
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For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.