My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
You Might Also Like
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay