Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
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I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”