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Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
my dog when i have a friend over
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.