He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
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“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.