Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
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Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
TRAIN’S HERE
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.