I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
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Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
#MeanwhileinCanada
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*