[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
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Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
Dietest Coke
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.