If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
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it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
SF is the wild wild west man
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that