Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
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I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING