If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
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Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.