Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
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oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is