If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
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“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
Buck naked
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle