Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
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Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft