My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
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first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
I support this random dude and all his protests
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘