me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
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Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.