That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
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Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?