Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
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They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
The smoothest fall of all time
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
Never go to sleep after making me angry
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
Liquor Store Parking
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.