ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
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God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
starting a garage orchestra
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.