Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
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He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor