I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
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*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
I have questions??
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
Watching Escape to the Country. A couple with a budget of 600,000 looking for a house in the Chilterns.
First house: they want the kitchen at the back so they can open it up and extend it. For Hugo.
They want an extra reception room. For Hugo.
They want more space than a 60ft garden offers. For Hugo.
Hugo is one. Yes, one year old.
My resolve to not swear is being severely tested.
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*