nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
You Might Also Like
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
Ooops wrong house😂😜
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted