It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
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How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
Beauty and the Beast
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know