I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
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Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
Sometimes I will do a very simple self-care thing like putting lotion on my hands before bed and be like “that was so easy, I will do this every day” and then forget that I even have hands for the next 6 years.
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that