Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
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a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
why am I working on Labor Day
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
how many bears make up a bear minimum
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!