I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
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facebook is down so i am having to improvise
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
Would you wear it?
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
Yup….perfect score!
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.