If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
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Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined