First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
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REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
Kentucky names the shit out of places
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
.
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision