Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
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*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?