Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
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Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
happy valentine’s day to me
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.