I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
You Might Also Like
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
live long and prosper!
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”